ANUS PART I

MyLostDog: do you have a dog?
AshesChick: yes
MyLostDog: do you ever wonder why your dog licks it's anus?
MyLostDog: i do
AshesChick: um... i think it's because it can
MyLostDog: hmm... maybe... but i mean... WHY?? is it tasting it's last meal... or is it thinking "my anus tastes like an anus"
AshesChick: lol
MyLostDog: and, what does it's anus taste like??
MyLostDog: i'm not gonna lick it to find out, tho
AshesChick: i wouldnt know... lol
AshesChick: lmao
MyLostDog: i need to know!
MyLostDog: how much would you lick a dog's anus for?
AshesChick: um... well, since i'm totally desperate for cash... i think i'd lick a dog anus for about $10 bucks
AshesChick: lol
MyLostDog: really? wow
MyLostDog: do you live anywhere near florida?
AshesChick: i live in az
MyLostDog: darn
MyLostDog: would you let someone videotape you licking a dog's anus?
MyLostDog: and then go on to describe explicitly what it tastes like
AshesChick: um no. is dog anus all you can talk about?
MyLostDog: i'll send you 10, maybe even 20 bucks if you did
AshesChick: no thank you
MyLostDog: $50?
AshesChick: no
MyLostDog: sigh... fine
MyLostDog: $60?
MyLostDog: and i'm talkin cold hard cash
AshesChick: OMG! shut up
MyLostDog: ok, ok, sorry
MyLostDog: so what's up?
AshesChick: nothing
AshesChick: just bored to death
MyLostDog: that's too bad
MyLostDog: you should try asking random people about licking dog anus, it's fun
AshesChick: lol
__________________________________________________

ANUS PART II

Who is the best person to share handfuls of sticky popcorn with at the movies? Who is the first person you think of when you're checking out your new computer game and wondering who will play it with you? And who can you always count on to make you smile when you're worried about how you did on your spelling test? The answer to all of these questions is a friend.

Friends are an important part of a kid's life. They make life more fun, and friendship can teach you a lot about how to get along with other people. But sometimes friends aren't always fun and games - sometimes it's hard to make friends or you might fight with a friend. But don't fret! Instead, read on to learn more facts about friends.

Why Friends Are Fantastic
You probably don't think about why it's so good to have friends because you're too busy having fun with them! But friends are important because they aren't quite like anyone else in your life. They are different from your siblings, who know you as a brother or sister and might fight with you a lot. They are different from your classmates, who know you as the kid who sits in the second seat from the front and always swings a foot while reading aloud.

Friends are there to make you feel better if you get into a fight with a family member. They like you whether your science project won first prize or it fell apart on the way to the judges' table. They want to be with you if you're blue, making funny faces or imitating your teacher until you smile again.

But friendship isn't all about being sad! Friends are a great part of happy times, too. Birthday parties and sleepovers wouldn't be the same without friends. Playing games, riding bikes, and even watching videos are more fun when there are friends around. And sharing good news with your pet goldfish isn't quite the same as calling up a friend.

Friend bonus #1: friends help you learn new things! If you're Baptist and your friend is Jewish, you might get to learn all about Hanukkah. Or if you live in the South and you become friends with a kid who moved from California, you'll hear all about the sunny skies out there. And friend bonus #2: friends help you learn to get along with people. Learning how to become a good friend is a big part of being a kid.

Finding Friends
For some kids, finding friends is easy. For others, it can be harder. For kids who are shy or have recently moved, making friends may feel like a big deal.

Many kids make friends in school, but some don't. That's OK - just because you are in the same grade or class with certain kids doesn't mean you like the same things. Think about things that you like to do and that make you happy. If you take part in those kinds of activities, you'll be sure to meet other kids who like the same thing - a great way to start a friendship! Here are some places to find possible friends:

• sports teams in your school or community
• sports classes (karate or ice skating, for example)
• music classes
• art classes
• acting and theater groups
• religious youth groups
• kids' clubs in your community (like 4H, for example)
• volunteer programs (at hospitals and nursing homes, for example)
• Pen-pal programs (many schools offer these; it's best to take part in an organized program rather than trying to meet kids on the Web)

Wherever you're looking meet new friends, an easy way to make a pal is to simply walk up, say hi, and introduce yourself. Chances are, the person you're talking to is eager to meet you. And a kid who is a stranger today might become your future friend!

Here are some of the signs and symptoms that can be seen with depression the stars (*) are my major signs of depression..:

• *feeling empty or numb*
• feeling hopeless, like there's nothing to look forward to
• feeling guilty or worthless
• *feeling lonely or unloved*  
• feeling like things are not fun anymore
• *having trouble keeping your mind on schoolwork or homework or getting bad grades*
• having trouble keeping your mind on things like reading or watching TV or not remembering what a book or a TV show was about
• having less energy and feeling tired all the time
• sleeping too much or not enough
• not eating enough and weight loss or eating too much and weight gain
• *thinking about death or thinking about suicide*
• *spending less time with friends and more time alone*
• crying a lot, often for no reason  
• *feeling restless (being unable to sit still or relax)*

Feeling down? Got the blues? You're not alone. Everyone gets sad (yes, everyone you've ever met). Some people have sad feelings just once in a while, and others may have sad feelings pretty often. More than half of teenagers go through a sad period at least once a month.

When you're in a sad mood, it may feel like it will last forever, but usually feelings of sadness don't last very long - a few hours, or maybe a day or two. A deeper, more intense kind of sadness that lasts a lot longer is called depression.

What Is Sadness?
Sadness is a feeling - it's one of the many normal human emotions, or moods, we all have. Sadness is the emotion people feel when they've lost something important, or when they have been very disappointed about something, or when something sad has happened to them or to someone else. When they're lonely, people often feel sad.

When you're sad, the world may seem dark and unfriendly. You might feel like you have nothing to look forward to. The hurt deep inside may crush your usually good spirits.

Sadness makes you feel like crying, and sometimes the tears are hard to stop. Crying often makes you feel better.

Sometimes when your mood is sad, you just feel like being alone for a little while. Or you might want someone to comfort you or just keep you company while you go through the sad feeling. Talking about what has made you sad usually helps the sad feeling melt away.

When sadness starts to go away, it can feel like a heavy blanket is being lifted from your shoulders.

When Is It Natural to Feel Sad?
Feeling sad every once in a while is natural. Maybe you didn't get something you really wanted. Maybe you miss somebody. Maybe somebody you really like doesn't want to be friends, and you don't feel so great about yourself. Maybe an illness or condition gets in the way of doing some things you want to do or makes you different from your friends. There are lots of reasons that people feel sadness.

Most of the time, sadness is because of a loss or separation, a difficult change or disappointment about something, or relationship problems.

Sometimes with sadness, there are other feelings mixed in, too. When you're sad, you might also feel angry or guilty. You might feel like blaming others or blaming yourself. Some kids mistakenly think that things that sad events like death, illness, or divorce are all their fault - but this isn't true. Kids don't cause these things to happen.

Im cold.. I wish someone cold hold me.. I wish I had never did what I did to you.. That way its you i would hold when Im cold. Your warmth keeps me warm. Your touch makes me want to stay there for a long time. But thats never going to happen ever again because somewhere I had screwed up. but I want to fix that. I know I cant, I wish I could just turn back time just to fix the things I did to you. The way you feel now. The way I feel. The way I urge to be with you again.. I miss the days we were happy together. The joys of those memories I miss. Sam I miss you. You did something to me that i cant explain.. But I miss you.. The question is why am I so sad?

My Fridge Is Stocked

Often times as people are visiting my apartment (if I one), they would have the urge to open my fridge to see what I have. I've never understood this because I could care less about what's in other peoples' fridge. Truth be told, I wasn't even sure what's in my fridge (if I had an apartment of my own). So, to satisfy the urges people have, and so I know what's in there, I decided to inventory my fridge to see what I had. Hopefully this'll cut down on the number of people snooping through my fridge as well as dispel any rumors about it.

Here's what I have in my fridge (if i had one that is..):

• 23 cans of Dr. Pepper (in the vegetable bins)
• 13 cans of A&W Root Beer
• 5 cans of Coke
• 1 can of Code Red Mountain Dew
• A mostly full bottle of ketchup
• An unopened bottle of mustard
• 1/2 a bottle of chocolate sauce
• A plastic knife
• 1/4 bottle of Picante Sauce
• 1/2 jar of garlic parmesan sauce (pasta cheese sauce)
• 1/2 bottle salsa con queso (salsa w/ cheese)
• Mostly empty bottle of Fritos chili-cheese sauce
• About 30 mini-peanut butter cups (Reese's)
• Some butter (not margarine)
• A straw
• 1 pint of dried-out white rice
• Barely empty water filter pitcher
• 1/2 a saran-wrapped spinach and feta cheese pizza that is covered in, what is scientifically called, slimy green stuff
• A chip clip
• A box with 2 slices of chicken, picante sauce, cream cheese and black olive pizza
• A box with one slice of sausage pizza drenched in, now flaky, butter-garlic sauce
• Box of cheese sticks with 7 containers of pizza sauce
• A near empty jar of Ragu Mushroom & Garlic spaghetti sauce
• A box with 2 slices of pizza (with everything) and 4 open containers of butter-garlic sauce
• A box with one cheese stick and 2 containers of garlic sauce
• 1 pickle jar with 2 limp pickles
• 1 pickle jar with no pickles
• Container of Folger's coffee
• 3 slices of hot pepper-jack cheese
• 6 slices of smoky, sharp cheddar cheese
• A shiny penny
• 3 German Chocolate cake pudding cups
• 2 tapioca pudding cups
• 1 banana pudding cup
• 1 apple pie a la mode pudding cup
• 1 Tibbet's chocolate orange
• A small take-out container of fettuccine
• 1 cup of Jello (un-determined flavor..."white")
• 32 packets of soy sauce
• 11 packets of duck sauce
• 1 container of maple syrup
• 9 packets of spicy mustard
• 3 packets of ketchup
• 1 empty plastic shopping bag

So, as you can see...my food-stock is well-rounded (balanced). No need to worry. And no need to go through my fridge!

TERMS
 

ATTRACTION- the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and; energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EYE CONTACT- a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

SOBER- condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Understanding What Guys Say

KEY = When He Says He Really Means
 

I'm hungry I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy I'm sleepy.
I'm tired I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored Do you want to have sex?
I love you Let's have sex now!
I love you, too Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair I liked it better before.
Let's talk I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
others.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together I'm gay.

I think of you as a sister. You're ugly!
There's a slight difference in our ages. You're ugly!
I am not attracted to you in "that" way. You're ugly!
My life is too complicated right now. You're ugly!
I have a girlfriend. You're ugly!
I don't date women where I work. You're ugly!
It's not you, it's me. You're ugly!
I'm concentrating on my career now. You're ugly!
I'm celibate. You're ugly!
Let's be friends. You're sinfully ugly!

Do you have the time? to go to bed
Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? -in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with with the wife.
I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television. I fix them.
I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed. I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera. I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market. Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer.
I work with computers. I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex.
My business is really hot right now! I hand out towels in a steam room
My job keeps me running. I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated. She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

Understanding What Girls Say

KEY = She Says. She Means.

You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure... go ahead I don't want you to
I'm hungry Make me something to eat -or- Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're ... so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house.
The car is empty Go fill it up.
The trash is full Take it out.
The dog is barking Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong.
I want new curtains and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? Too late, you're dead.
Please Walk me home Let's go make out.
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it.
Was that the baby ? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling ! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OHMYGOD there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
 

(In response to "What's Wrong?")

The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it Go away, I'm still building up steam.
What makes you think there is something wrong? I'm going to kill you